Meet the Havetos

There's this family I know that never seems to be available for casual outings at the park or spontaneous summer cookouts.  Whenever they get invited to a small party, their attendance seems cloaked in "conditions."  They give us "terms" like, we can only be at your party between 6:00 and 6:22 because Johnny has a basketball tournament all day and we have to pick him up before we have go to the neighborhood block party that we have to be at because Annie's best friend lives four doors down from us.  Or something like that.  They tend to answer our questions, with "well, I have to..."  We've found that we have to plug our ears when they talk anymore.  Just too many have to's... And, this is a pretty sad situation since I've come to realize that this annoying family is us.  Or, at least it was us  several months ago.  I'm not sure what did it, but I work up one spring morning and realized that I didn't HAVE TO do anything.  And NEITHER did my kids.  And, yes, I used that emphasis in my morning reflection.  So, I flipped a switch and started sticking with the things we "wanted" to do.  Let me be clear, our weekly schedule, the daily to-do list, the comings and goings of my busy family didn't really change.  But the conversation did.  We started talking about the activities we wanted to do this week, and how we wanted to schedule pickups and drop-offs.  It wasn't really an overnight change, but by changing the words from "have to" to "want to," there were many of those "daily drudge" tasks that started to become...not so drudge!  Overtime, the amazing thing is that, as a family, the change in words led to all of us being more present at a lot of those formerly "have to" events.  We also started talking more about our lives in conversations versus talking about our to-do lists.  As I mentioned, our busy lives didn't really become less busy.  But, our attitude about all those things shifted.  I think we, as a family, became more aware of what our priorities are.  So, rather than just working around all those busy things, we are just a little more aware that we've made choices.  Based on our choices, we have priorities about what comes first in the schedule and what things might slip from time to time.  We've certainly made a priority to carve out family time more regularly and time for each of us to be in our own space.  If you meet my family now, I won't bother you with the stuff I have to do right now, I'll actually stop, introduce myself and ask you about your day.  Don't tell me the things that you have to do.  Share with me what's important.  Tell me what moves you.  These are the things that make us friends without terms or conditions.

A different side of the conversation

I have held a few jobs since I started working full time. I've even had the good fortune to work for some exemplary companies. And yet, every time I am accepted as a consultant into a new company, I learn something new, that I wasn't taught in school and that I probably couldn't pick up in a book.  During my latest project, I observed a company that was exceptional in its approach to integrating vendors as well as new employees into its culture.  I can sum up what I've observed and learned by saying that this company approaches new talent differently than most companies. They are also sure to share their perspective with vendors and consultants so that everyone can come from the same perspective as they work together. This company's mantra puts a person's individual style front and center, as a given, as something fixed. It then adheres to a strong company culture. Every decision is guided by culture.  As a company, expectations are high for both new hires and vendors and there is little hesitation to remove a party from the table when those expectations aren't met.  Wow.  As a consultant here, this level of expectations was exhilarating.  In translation, over the course of the project, that expectation meant we really had a lot of fun.  Knowing that every single person in the project was expected to perform at the same level of professional and enthusiasm as I was meant that my team could focus on the work, on the goal.  We no longer worried about anyone pulling their weight or what to do if someone couldn't keep up.  Those who needed extra help were not afraid to ask for it - asking for help was a core company value!  Those that were ahead of the game stopped to help those who weren't - another core company value.  Sure, at times, the expectations meant we had to work hard or take responsibility for something we weren't quite proud of.  Nevertheless, in the end, I believe that the company culture shared by employees and vendors alike kept us accountable to one another.  It helped us recognize the individual contribution and cheer ourselves and others on as milestones were reached.  It also helped us be a true team; proud of our individual contribution but prouder still of reaching the team goal.

Welcome MidLife Crisis!

There's nothing like a luncheon to bring on a mid-life crisis. I mean, I'm fairly content in my comfortable, fairly middle-management type job. Perhaps, at 20, I imagined that now, at 40, I'd have a corner office, etc. But, you know how life is. Not as planned. I make an impact in what I do and have my own things to manage. And, I get to be home for my kids every night. All well and good until I sit down at a networking lunch last week. Topic: Successfully Doing it All. OK, I can always use some tips on that. Speaker:?? A 30-year old, former cheerleader, leading news anchor for a network station. Now, she had some thoughtful things to say. But, come on! 30??? And, I'm sure she had to work hard to get where she is, but I'm thinking that news anchor is a little different from corner office in a manufacturing company. I'm wondering if she's ever really had to go on a diet; if she's ever been downsized; has she ever been ready to "go to the next level" only to find that moms her age don't. . .go to that level? And has she ever felt her bones creak as she gets out of bed everyday at noon to go to work? Just wondering. Not that I'm all-experienced or successfully doing it all or even want to be those things, but had I been on the brink of a mid-life crisis last week, I'm thinking that Ms. Young and Beautiful just might have planted me right in the middle of one. Thankfully, I'm older and wiser and know that nothing can prevent a good mid-life crisis like a good bottle of wine. In the afternoon. During working hours. While the kids are outside playing.

Friday morning, do dads do this?

I've often mused that many men in my kind of position are at an advantage just because their lives are simpler. Take this morning, for example. I slept in because my first meeting of the day didn't start until 8:30 - yeah for me! Things started out just fine, shower, etc. Then, as I was preparing to follow my morning routine, I got interrupted by the baby waking up. Got the baby. soaking wet. change the baby, change her clothes, change the bed, start the laundry. OK. 5 minutes behind now. Restart. Oops, here comes the oldest. He woke up with a bloddy nose. Yuck! Get him settled, move him to the shower. It looks like a murder occurred in the bathroom - -how the heck did his bloddy nose create this?! Get out the cleaner, etc. Another 15 minutes behind. Change his bed, more laundry, clean the carpet, etc. Restart. Only time for a quick bite of breakfast now. And out the door. It's like I'm out of breath before I even start the workday!



My morning meeting is with my favorite CEO. We have a sleeves-rolled-up session to knock out some details for some software changes he wanted a week ago but hasn't been able to articulate. And, I can only wonder how his morning started! Or, how his mornings were when his kids were little. Sigh.



I'm lucky, though. My husband is always right there to take care of details that I point out to him and even a few extras beyond that. I just wonder how much intellectual capital I surrender to things like our dinner menus, our shopping list, when the kids need new shoes, if I sent the right stuff to school, and so on; versus the average dad. Even a really involved dad. It's no wonder that its taken so long for women to reach the boardroom! Just as they were heading there, they probably got a call from school because they forgot to send to pack a lunch for the kid's field trip that day!

I've given up trying to reach the boardroom myself. Truthfully, my son's second grade teacher is WAY more fogiving than any boss I've had and remembering to put the right kind of cookie into the box lunch seems to rank well above that sales presentation I needed to finish yesterday. And maybe that idea is what makes a working mom so different from a working dad. Or, maybe that's just what makes me so different from my favorite CEO Client!