Losing a parent

My dad passed away over a year ago.  I think I've been through all the "typical" grieving phases.  I miss him, but I had actually been missing him for a few years prior to his death.  He suffered from Multiple Myeloma and in the last year or two, he just wasn't the same.  I don't live in the same state, so our visits just weren't frequent enough.  Some of our visits were to provide support while he was in the hospital.  And yet, almost a year and a half after his death, I feel like something isn't right.  It seems as if, since he passed away, there's a whole in my family.  Sometimes it seems like a whole filled with bad feelings, sometimes it's filled with things left unsaid and sometimes it's just empty.  I ponder this a lot and it doesn't make a lot of sense to me.  I struggle to find words to explain it to anyone or either to myself.  It's a feeling that's just there.  Not all the time of course, but enough of the time where it seems to make family gatherings less carefree.  I long to ask my sisters if they feel the same, but there's that loss of words.  I wonder if I should ask my mom if she has noticed, but I don't want more tears and sadness.  So, I ponder it all once in awhile.  These are my thoughts and my feelings and I'm old enough to know that they will change with time and patience.  They are not the kind of thoughts I want to put on someone else's shoulders.  I'm okay with that, too.  It's interesting to work through it all and wonder if and when I'll ever "move one".  Is this what losing a parent is like?  My dad, who I had turned to for 46 years is gone and I feel funny about it after more than a year.  I suppose that is to be expected.  I'm just wondering if there will come a day when it won't be so noticeable?  For now, I relish the memories that make me smile and try to be joyful and live the life I wanted for him in those last years - one filled with love, caring, understanding.  I hope also to be able to add - filled with sharing words that go along with those feelings one day.  I'll let you know.

My Dad

I don't think I was a daddy's girl and I certainly think there are kids out there who are closer to their father than I was.  And yet....my dad was always the one that kept the calm in a houseful of headstrong, noisy girls. I think of all the drama in my teenage years and I never my remember my dad reacting to any of it. He was always there, though, with the things I needed. He made sure we were well taken care of. As an adult, I cherished the times when I would catch him on the phone when mom wasn't home. We would have quiet conversations, mostly about the weather, the Tigers or stuff going on in the great outdoors. I got that from him. And, so did my oldest son.  I think that's what made me the most sad for him after he got sick. He didn't seem to enjoy being outside as much. After the chemo, it was either too hot or too cold for him to be comfortable. It always made me feel bad. In those years of battling one kind of cancer then another, I think he resigned himself to keeping on with the disease. At times, I think of those 7 years and I am furious.  How can a disease be so random, so unforgiving, so vicious?  And then there are times, very few times, when I am bitter.  How unfair. Why him?  And what was it all for?  Most times, though, I'm thankful for the first year battle against lung cancer that extended my dad's life. I'm thankful that I was cognizant enough to appreciate that then and that I came to cherish every visit, every chat, every photo taken after that.  I'm thankful that his illness helped me recognize the power of family. I am also amazed that he had so much grace and peace all those years. He fought that battle and never really complained and never resigned from life. He participated as much as he could until the last. I am humbled and then I am sad.  My dad is gone and I miss his quiet.  I miss him just being there, and I suppose I always will. He was my dad and I was his oldest girl. Always will be.